Introducing....

I'm sitting in my hospital bed, updating my blog.

Sort of.

Actually it's 4:00 am on February 28, 2008 and I'm hand writing my post. I can only guess the questions running through your head.

Why? you ask, am I in a hospital bed?
My answer is this:


The Newest addition to the family!
Jarrid Layne

My biggest accomplishment. I honestly have never been more proud of anything else I have done. Ever.
I'm still in shock that he's mine. That this 5lb 3oz human being was living inside me for the past 36 weeks. And now he's not. i have never loved anything in this world more then I love my baby. Jackson stated while holding Jarrid for the first time "This. This right here is true love." I agree. 100%
I have never loved two people more in my life as I love Jarrid and Jackson. My body overflows with a warmth that starts from the tip of my head and it runs down my body, through all my veins and muscles, going out my fingertips and toes, whenever i lay my eyes on Jackson or Jarrid.
I feel as though I might explode this feeling is like nothing i have ever felt.

I feel whole.

Complete as you would.

I've also noticed a change in BTSAM also. Before Jarrid was born Jackson was dead set on 'getting fixed"; our future wasn't filled with millions of kids. I will openly admit that i was kinda bummed out about this. Yes, this pregnancy was hard and unplanned, but honestly i wouldn't change anything that has happened in the past year for the world. If I had to go back and relive everything that has happened in the past year over and over i can say that i would.
But growing up I had always dreamed of this moment differently.

i can say that i;ve always wanted kids. I didn't know why at the time but I knew that i was going to have kids. i just never thought this way. I always dreamed of having a good career, after going to college and finding the man of my dreams, marrying him, buying a big house with a backyard for kids and dogs to play, in the suburbs where it's quiet, but not far from everything.

that's how i dreamed it.

we all know that's not exactly how it happened.

I'm only 20 years old, and I just turned 20; it's not like I'm turning 21 any time soon. and i just graduated.
from high school that is. I have felt that in the past 36 weeks i have completely thrown all my dreams out the window. I have met the man of my dreams and I know this because he is currently curled up on a couch that is way to small for him snoring away because he is completely exhausted; and all i can do is smile and feel my heart explode with love.
We are not married, but i cannot await the day that we are. yes there is a 10 year age difference; but that doesn't bother us. all I know is that i cannot live a day with out him.

i've given up my military career, but only now do i realize that it wasn't the career for me. Yes, as hewins had told me, i was oging to be an amazing soldier.
you want to know the honest truth though?
i know I wouldn't have been. i realize that joining the army was the biggest mistake of my life and I'm happy i got out before it was too late. I'm just not soldier material. But I worked damn hard to make myself look like a soldier and to make people believe i was a soldier. I was proud of my self at that time though.
know what though?
i knew my life was going to be devoted to the army one way or another. I just didn't know how yet. it is all in God's plan, i just hadn't figured it out yet.
I'm marrying the army. and I couldn't be prouder of the soldier i call my husband. where ever he goes, I go.

i definitely haven't given up college. not at all. i intend 100% to take a few classes while jackson is deployed. It may be online classes but hey, they are classes.

My dream of a steady career is fixed by the army. let's all admit it. I'm not cut out for the work field. but a homemaker, i think is my purpose. No, i don't think it is. I know it is.

and there is Jarrid. he was completely unplanned.

He's my unanswered prayer.

All those months I was sick i prayed every day, all day that I wasn't pregnant. well it couldn't happen, i was on birth control after all. that's what it was for. to control the population. I cried hours on end because i didn't want to deal with all the drama that i assumed came along with getting pregnant. I was scared out of my mind.

Afriad that my family would disown me because how stupid would you have to be to get pregnant before getting married? seriously. I don't know why I thought like this. clearly i have changed for the better.
Afraid that i had finally found the man that I love with all my heart and that he didn't feel the same way about me and would leave when he found out I was pregnant and my life would be filled with struggle.
Afraid that all my friends would leave me and not want anything to do with me.

But after giving birth to my 5 lbs 3 oz tank, i honestly wouldn't want anything different. If i had to choose this life or the life that I used to dream, I would choose this one; because to mone i may be a screw up, but to me my life couldn't be any better. I feel that my mother and i are closer now then we have ever been, yes we are far apart, but I feel like i can tell her anything now. the same way with my aunt Karen.

I only wish I could feel the excitement of deciding that it was time to have a baby, the struggle of getting pregnant and the excitement of finally knowing that it was going to happen. And after the labor i just went through I would gladly do it again. only once more though i think. I think my body was made to bring babies into the world. maybe I was born in the wrong decade.

I think jackson agreed because when Jr was visiting jackson said that he was getting tied, instead of snipped, so that it could be reversed if we decided to have another baby later on down the road. planned babies that is.

I will gladly announce that there will be no more unplanned babies for this family. I will not say that there wont be any more babies because honestly I loved Labor. not the pain part, but the feeling i got when Jarrid was finally born.

i actually liked it, enjoyed it. and because of this I know my place with God. To bring his children into the world. To make jackson the happiest man in the world, and to help raise our children through love, faith and the military.

it is because of this revelation and declaration that i consider myself now -whether you agree or not-

an adult.